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Recent articles in the New York Times,  Does Couples Therapy  Work? And Wall Street Journal, Couples Therapy for One: To Fix a Marriage, Some Go Alone suggest that couples therapy is not always the answer to fixing a broken relationship and I tend to agree.  Instead, understanding one’s own sense of self, becoming grounded and focused- that becomes the recipe for moving forward, whether you were the one involved in an affair, cyberaffair, cybersex or other activity that was not in the relationship contract, or the one who was blindsided by your partner’s behaviors.  It takes both people working on healing the hurt to get the relationship on track. It is not uncommon for the person who has been betrayed to take the stance that they did no harm so they do not need therapy… and that works fine… almost never.

Why? Because when deep betrayal rips at the fabric of a relationship, both parties end up hurt. While the person betrayed may not have any obvious part in their partner’s indiscretions, that person unfortunately becomes the collateral damage of those indiscretions.  The relationship is essentially involved in a train wreck. Regardless of who caused the train wreck, both people have been hurt and damaged and to get back on track, both people need to heal. Whether that healing is through individual therapy or coaching, couples counseling, intentional meditation, self-help books or workbooks- those are just the details. The most important thing is to heal from the wounds of the betrayal and feel good about oneself. Both must do this.

In many ways, infidelity and betrayal in a relationship becomes an opportunity for growth. Certainly we hope we embrace opportunities that don’t always come to us in the midst of crisis, but often, the crisis becomes the impetus for change.  If only one person seeks to grow, the other person is left behind and instead of the couple getting back on the train, one party steps onto the bitter bus.

Regardless of whether a couple stays together after the infidelity, healing and understanding are essential so the patterns are not repeated as the relationship continues, or into future relationships. People change after crisis and surviving the crisis of infidelity is no different. Knowing that the change can be for the better- that each party can decide to embark on a journey of self-growth that will enhance their future is the best chance at saving the relationship.

We share an island with other people in the helping professions so we feel right at home. While I don’t conduct therapy in Second Life because of confidentiality concerns, I do teach and consult in Second Life so it becomes my virtual office at times.

Shortly after we finished the move, I logged into Second Life and a note card awaited me. My new neighbor had sent us flowers to welcome us!

So, why am I blogging this? Because there exists an ongoing debate about the validity of online relationships. Are they real? Are friends I have met in Second Life really friends?

I was very touched by the flowers, and while I have never met my friend and colleague in first life,  it felt as real as flowers I might receive at a New Open Office or House Warming party- a gift of hospitality!

I just logged in and walked into the lobby of our office and there they are!  Sitting on the counter at our welcome station, just as fresh as the day they were sent! And I was reminded of friendship and collegiate relationships. Now THAT’s real!

If you are curious about my work in Second Life, learn more! http://www.onlinetherapyinstitute.com/second-life/

Do you meditate? If you don’t practice a formal meditation, do you spend quiet time reflecting? Perhaps you pray or spend time reading inspirational books or you use visualization and positive affirmations?  What do you do to prepare for entering that reflective time? How do your clear your mind of life’s chatter or white noise?

Some people meditate as a way to become grounded, centered, anchored in their day. Meditation promotes intentional living. Others use meditation as a specific tool to reduce stress and anxiety.  For people who experience anxiety and for people who have experienced trauma, meditation can be very helpful, but I recommend one additional step…

I recommend interjecting your ‘anchor image’ into the process- that is, an image you conjour up in your mind that brings a sense of calm- it can be a person, a place or an object- a relative that felt safe to you, a toy from childhood, a sunset- anything that speaks to you. Think of the image before you go into reflective time and think of the image as you come out of reflective time.  Practice this whenever you can because this can become a tool for reducing stress, panic and anxiety.

When you are at work and you begin to feel upset or anxious due to a co worker or a situation on the job just close your eyes for a few seconds and think of your anchor image. If you are an abuse survivor and you are triggered by something around you, perhaps even standing in the grocery store line reading the magazine headlines, think of your anchor image, even if momentarily. You should immediately feel a sense of calm.

This takes time to develop but essentially you are training your body to automatically respond to your anchor image so that your body self-soothes and self-regulates.  Be patient. Even 5-15 minutes of dedicated time daily can begin the process.

I am also giving a link to a blog post that I think is the best ever for people who want to meditate but don’t know where to start.  Read how to and then make the process your own!

From the Happiness Rx Blog:

2o Minutes a Day Keeps Seratonin at Play

Calm days ahead!

DeeAnna

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My pride and joy!

Yes, I am Managing co-editor of TILT Magazine- a magazine that brings technology and the helping professions together!  Issue 9 has just been released so I will share the goods here! We publish the online magazine 4 times a year so I will blog when the new issue comes out.

If you want to subscribe you can do so right here: http://www.mcssl.com/app/join.asp?merchantid=186761

Check it out and I hope you enjoy!!

In this issue:

Are you an introvert? I have a recently been following the tweets  and posts of Susan Cain and I am really looking forward to the release of her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.  I have long identified myself as an introvert, say for those few years in late adolescence and early adulthood when I did my best to shed those characteristics.

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I embrace who I am now and realize that being introspective by nature does not mean I go unnoticed or that I don’t have anything to say. On the contrary, the internet has given me a voice I never knew I had. I know I am not the only one in that club. In fact, it has been suggested that introverts really “get” the social part of social media.

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As a therapist who has practiced online for a dozen years, I have often thought that many of my quieter clients really benefit from, and prefer communicating with a therapist via text language- chat or email.  There is a different kind of presence (albeit lacking physicality) that happens when a therapist and client work together online. Many clients have said that being able to reach out  online has been most beneficial because frankly they would rather write it out than talk it through. Reaching out for therapy online is not necessarily an act of avoidance but rather, an opportunity for sincere expression.

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And so  I look forward to reading Cain’s new book. I just know her words will dovetail with who I am and what I do. I embrace works that further the introvert’s cause! I’ve pre-ordered the book! Have you?

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On the heels of a new study just out about internet addiction,  I have been asked to contribute an article for a new book on the topic.  I am honored that Gretta Louw has asked me to write a piece for her upcoming book which is a  follow-up book to the Controlling_Connectivity durational performance and exhibition: the psychological burden of constant connectivity. I will be writing a short essay about internet addiction- what it is (or isn’t) and how people might understand if the use of technology has become problematic in their lives. Stay tuned!

About Controlling_Connectivity

Controlling_Connectivity was an art project by artist Gretta Louw, which used the pervasiveness of internet-based social networking, and the obligation as well as the opportunity for constant connection with these platforms as a paradigm for a severe and systematic disruption of normal, socially accepted patterns of life and interpersonal interaction during a self-documented performance. Taking to its natural extreme the notion that new technologies are increasingly dictating our social interaction, professional life, and have a far reaching effect on many other aspects of daily life, Louw completed a durational performance as she lived in the gallery space in complete isolation except for contact through various social networking sites on the internet.

About the Publication

The book brings together documentation of the project – images from the performance and the exhibition, as well as text contributions from participants and discussions with the artist – in a comprehensive analogue overview. The project is contextualised by critical essays from the curators Christian de Lutz and Regine Rapp, who examine the art historical context and contribution. Interviews with the artist provide insight into the internal, mental changes brought about by the project, as well as highlighting some of the most memorable experiences. Theoretical texts from art and media theorists, such as Dr Leon Tan, expand the relevance of the book as a significant assessment of where we as a society stand in relation to the internet and how these radical technological advancements are silently shaping us.

Printed on high quality semi gloss paper (170 gsm), the limited edition book comes with a DVD video piece comprising edited screen recordings from conversations, interviews, and discussions recorded during the performance. Addressing topics from Performance Art to internet addiction, the potential of technological advancement to alter our perception of time and reality, and the ways in which the internet affects communication, relationships, and thereby even perhaps identity itself, the video piece is a fascinating record of current thoughts around the internet and its psychological, cultural, and sociological consequences.

]]> http://www.mentalhealthonthewebblog.com/2012/01/controlling_connectivity-art-media-and-internet-addiction/feed/ 0 http://www.mentalhealthonthewebblog.com/2012/01/jersey-shore-therapy-what-this-is-not-the-tv-show/ http://www.mentalhealthonthewebblog.com/2012/01/jersey-shore-therapy-what-this-is-not-the-tv-show/#comments Mon, 09 Jan 2012 20:58:26 +0000 DeeAnna http://www.mentalhealthonthewebblog.com/?p=545 Welcome to Jersey Shore Therapy!

© 2010 GMS Photography LLC all rights reserved

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(…my opening statement on my website www.jerseyshoretherapy.com)

I moved to the Jersey Shore nearly a decade ago after living in the south all my life. I was born and raised in central Florida just 45 miles from Daytona Beach, so the ocean is something I have always revered.  And the shore in New Jersey is something to behold!

When I opened my private practice in Atlantic Highlands, I already had a website (www.deeannamerznagel.com) but I needed a domain name that was easy to remember and that is how I came to jerseyshoretherapy.com.  And about that time, Jersey Shore became a hit reality TV show. The two efforts are not related. Well, perhaps…in a way, I could see how people on the TV show might eventually need…oh, sorry. I digress.

My office in Atlantic Highlands at 1041 Highway 36  is conveniently located in Monmouth County, New Jersey near the communities of Highlands, Rumson, Little Silver, Middletown, Shrewsbury, Holmdel and Colts Neck. I am very near Sandy Hook which is part of the Gateway National Recreation Area, and often my services are a gateway to better living too!  I am also a reasonable distance from Manhattan- about an hour’s drive. Other shorter commute options from NYC include:

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• SeaStreak ferry service to and from Manhattan (Pier 11 Wall Street and East 35th) is close with locations in Highlands and Atlantic Highlands with a short commute from the ferry.
• Shore Cab (732) 222-6688 ‎serves Highlands, Atlantic Highlands and the surrounding area.
• My office building also hosts a private helipad.

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If you are moving in the direction of improved mental health and wellness  contact me and let’s get started! I offer in-office and online services and I combine psychotherapy and coaching techniques into our work together.

DeeAnna

(image courtesy of www.gmsimages.com)

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“Psychotherapy” and “counseling” are terms that are often used interchangeably. Although they are very similar, there are some subtle differences as well.

Technically speaking, “counselor” means “advisor”. It involves two people working together to solve a problem. It is a term that is used in conjunction with many types of advice giving. For example, financial planning and spiritual guidance are both types of counseling. Just about anyone at all may claim to be a counselor if they are in the role of giving advice. The term counseling may also properly be used to refer to what occurs in a relationship with a psychotherapist.

In the context of mental health, “counseling” is generally used to denote a relatively brief treatment that is focused most upon behavior. It often targets a particular symptom or problematic situation and offers suggestions and advice for dealing with it.

“Psychotherapy” on the other hand is generally a longer term treatment which focuses more on gaining insight into chronic physical and emotional problems. It’s focus is on the patient’s thought processes and way of being in the world rather than specific problems.

In actual practice there may be quite a bit of overlap between the two. A therapist may provide counseling with specific situations and a counselor may function in a psychotherapeutic manner. Generally speaking, however, psychotherapy requires more skill than simple counseling. It is conducted by professionals trained to practice psychotherapy such as a psychiatrist, a trained counselor, social worker or psychologist. While a psychotherapist is qualified to provide counseling, a counselor may or may not possess the necessary training and skills to provide psychotherapy.

This explanation offered with permission from Nancy Schimelpfening, About.com

Does anyone have a different explanation or definition? Chime in!

Keep in mind, as you become increasingly frustrated with your lack of privacy and the apparent lack of concern that these facebook changes have on you personally, you are the product, not the consumer. Your information is what facebook is interested in- because ultimately, facebook caters to businesses.  Facebook wants to know your interests, your consumerism patterns, your likes…because that helps businesses and the advertising industry.

With that said, as you migrate to the new timeline, take time to go through your previous posts and delete anything that may have been posted in the early days- when we were all naive about facebook’s intent and purpose. Take time to read about the timeline and privacy settings. Become informed. And if you are a parent, be an informed parent and become involved in your teenager’s facebook activities.  Be proactive and insist on being on your child’s friends list. Absolutely. If you need guidance, check out http://facebookforparents.org/. Most of all, remain informed about facebook and your privacy.

Here are a few articles about facebook’s timeline:

Understanding the New Facebook Timeline

http://computerhelpzone.blogspot.com/2012/01/understanding-new-facebook-timeline.html

Five Important Facebook Timeline Privacy Settings

http://www.freshtechtips.com/2012/01/facebook-timeline-privacy-settings.html

Facebook Timeline is Basically your Digital Resume

http://mashable.com/2011/12/31/facebook-timeline-resume/?replytocom=17917171

Social Media is requiring us to stay informed if we want to protect our privacy and enjoy online social freedoms.

What are your thoughts?

DeeAnna

I tell my clients to take time for themselves every day- even if just for 10 or 15 minutes during busy times. Take time to be aware of your breathing, to listen to music, to sit quietly, to pray or to read something inspirational. Some people choose to meditate in a formal way, perhaps including ritual into the process.  You can make your time as formal or informal as you want. But the key is to take intentional time for yourself so that you can remain focused and restore balance.

As you welcome new possibilities, remember to commit time for yourself!

Happy New Year everyone!

Peace and Blessings,

DeeAnna